"Why 'HAOJ' Will Fail (And Why It Matters)" by Sam France

After weeks of contemplation and rigorous research, I have developed my HAOJ thesis.

I am both honoured and proud to announce that this film is destined to fail miserably. It will be boring, un-funny and maybe even offensive. Why?

First off, I'm in it. Anything I'm in is never really taken seriously. Why do you think Ethan Kuperberg never cast me in anything? I had two lines in the murder fucking mystery last year, Man. Marcella Gersh even jumped the gun the year previous and handed me a fat, British role where I played the Asshole I play in everything. Doppelfuck? No, thanks. What if I played A.J.'s role in Doppelfuck? Wow. No, it wouldn't have kicked ass. It would have been a high Mr. Robbins improvising bullshit, and would have kicked ass. And I would've had to kiss Alex Paul, which isn't so bad seeing that I had to kiss her in Sugar, which I wasn't in because I became an alcoholic as part of a science experiment. But now I'm a Mormon and I'm saved.

Secondly, nobody can relate to the screenplay. I don't even get half the references and I'm Rado's fucking best friend. Superbad fucking slappy sippy dick humor? Kids can relate to that. Oscar Wilde? Who? Yeah, because more than 50 percent of the people on Earth have a dick but a good 90 percent of my high school's never read The Picture Of Dorian Gray. I sound like Bendis.

Thirdly, there's no story. The whole thing is a Rado vanity project. Bendis' death, the Big Funeral; nothing happens besides Rado just being Rado for two hours and a good two minutes of Bendis-isms is enough for me, if not too much.

Obviously, the collaboration of Auddy Waffles and Rado is insane -- and the ending result can only be a compromised vision of the two. Wes Anderson, meet Woody Allen. Okay, Good. Now -- make a movie together and don't disagree about the shot where Diane Keaton is wearing a red jumpsuit and is sitting in front of floral wallpaper to sitar music for a half an hour. Go!

Also, there's no sex. What's a movie without sex?




All in all, Martin luther king was a good man because he was white and because white people brought dying black people to america to serve the Lord and eat corn on the cob. yayayayaya!!!


-dead